Spam, spam, spam, wonderful spam

First, a nod of thanks for Eric Idle, John Cleese, Graham Chapman, and that other bugger, all of Monty Python, for giving us the word spam in a comical non-food context. That was so funny, we named one of the worst plagues since the Egyptians went frog-gigging after it.

Spam is, as you know, junk email. Spam is evil, hated, rude, fornicatory, vile, diseased, loathsome, and just plain wrong.

Sadly, it's also profitable, thanks to the regretable combination of keyboards, credit cards, and stupid people. You know, the people so incredibly ass-brained they willingly and repeatedly reach for their wallets when they get an email from a close friend they never heard of before, offering knee adjustments, anatomy growth, free porn, drugs, herbs, stock tips, on and on.

People! Please! If you stop feeding the spammers, they just might be forced to go out and do something productive, like donate their eyeballs to science, or protesting the Gay Baby Whales For Jesus rally, or working at KFC.

Spam is an epidemic. I run several servers of this and that, amongst which is a decent little email server. Oh, by the way, Windows sucks. Anyways, this little email server services about 200 people's email needs. Not grandiose, but not miniscule. Daily, I process about 5000 messages. Daily, I trash about half of them. That's not counting the roughly 3000 more I kill at the sendmail level, nor does it include the 10,000 or so, daily, that I block at the software firewall level.

So, let's see. 10,000 + 2,500 + 3,000 = 15,500 garbage blobs per day. 2,500 decent email messages per day. Nice. 84% of my mail volume is garbage.

So, to all you idiots, fools, dimbulbs, nitwits, functioning assbaskets, and other associated mental midgets out there: thank you. You are now officially worth more to me if you were dead.
However, if you wish to hire me to protect you from yourselves, I offer two programs. One, for a non-trivial sum, I will establish a spam filtered server for you and/or your organization. Or, two, for an obscene amount of cash, I will stand behind you whilst you read your email. Each time you reach for your credit card, or even look like you actually have faith in the current crapsheet you are reading, I will raise my large fist, and plunge it down on the top of your head. Repeatedly. Often. Until you get the idea that buying anything based on an email you did not ask for is about as smart as pouring sulpheric acid in your nostrils, smearing Nutella over your genitalia, and having yourself staked to the ground over a bed of ants. Fire ants, preferably.


To all the spammers, those that transmit the crap... quoting Mr. Cleese, from another Python skit: "yes, well, that's the sort of blinkard, philistine, pig-ignorance I've come to expect from you, non-creative garbage... you excrement!"

Stop spamming. Stop reading spam. Stop buying from spam.